Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Top Action Film Bad Guy Expendables
On MSN.com's Parallel Universe, they did a countdown of the best action film good guys. For some strange reason today, I feel like promoting the bad guys. (Yes, I got up on the right side of the bed. Just feeling mischievous.)
10. Chiaki Kuriyama - Gogo Yubari, Kill Bill Vol. 1. Ok, so she only has one bad guy American film. That's ok. She nearly killed Beatrix Kiddo. Maybe if we have her training on another weapon, something fun could happen. Every bad guy crew needs a bad female.
9. Vinnie Jones - Mad Maynard in EuroTrip. Every bad guy group needs the one guy who can get offended by the slightest thing and start yelling at everyone inciting a riot. The way Jones cursed at the French going to a soccer match on a double decker English bus was a tirade that still makes me laugh. He may die faster than any of the other bad guys, but he will be missed.
8. Michael Qissi - Who is that? That's Tong Po! You know, the guy in the Kickboxer movies with the pony tail that beat the crap out of people all the time and rarely says anything? For this guy, the weakness seems to be in the face. That's usually how the fight turns around in favor of the good guy. But if I were putting together a bad guy squad, he would be on it.
7. Jim Carrey - What!? Yes, I have flown off my rocker. But I need a comedian. As dumb as it sounds, his performance as The Riddler in one of those Batman movies was hilarious to me. And with his explosives ability from that role, he would be an asset to me and a nuisance to Vinnie Jones.
6. Bolo Yeung - Definitely the strong, but silent type. I don't think I've ever heard him say anything in a movie. Yeung is the muscle bound guy in films like Bloodsport and Double Impact among his decades of others. The only way to kill this guy seemed to be to drop something heavy on him or wait for him to let his guard down. A slug fest would almost certainly mean sudden death.
5. Mark Dacascos - Don't be fooled by his hosting of Iron Chef. The guy is fast and vicious. His role as Yao Ling in Cradle 2 the Grave showed Jet Li and DMX that he has what it takes. With multiple fighting styles at his disposal, he should be paid well to make sure he doesn't turn against the forces of evil.
4. Scott Adkins - In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Adkins was Weapon XI. His immortality came with Undisputed II and III, in my book. And I fully believe that the only reason he lost against Michael Jai White in Undisputed II was because he was the bad guy. He had White all day and every which way. No contest.
3. Lucy Liu - In Kill Bill Vol. 1, where she gives her speech after decapitating a Yakuza boss, was great. Bad guy leaders need to be evil and yet logical and calm. She would be a top lieutenant or the boss easily.
2. Simon Rhee - That's Master Simon Rhee to you. 7th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. He rocked the eye patch in Best of The Best as Dae Han Park. Epic final fight sequence in that film. He still acts, but is the stunt coordinator on a bunch of films. His brother is Phillip Rhee who usually plays a good guy in his movies. Maybe we can lure Phillip to the dark side. Having master martial artist brothers on your team will boost street cred in all bad guy circles.
1. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa - The Boss. What movies has he played in? Tekken, Elektra, The Art of War, Mortal Kombat, Baywatch... the list goes on. With a career spanning 4 decades, he is clearly a seasoned veteran. The only thing you would have to worry about is him killing you to take control. And he probably would.
This would be my all-star bad guy crew to go up against, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Randy Couture, Terry Crews and Jason Statham. We would win. I'm sure of it. *evil laugh*
*image from MSN.com
The Expendables Smackdown
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